H'wood Bad Boy's Fruit Fiasco

Hollywood: Hollywood Bad Boy and hip hop mogul, Bort Lee Dingle flew into a rage in front of a swanky LA coffee shop last night. Paparazzi were on hand to witness the "Eels In A Shoe" star's rant which began around 7:30 pm. Apparently Dingle was upset at another customer for eating dried fruit in his presence. Dingle is allergic to dried fruit, his publicist says.

Dingle was seen storming from the coffee shop, yelling and taunting the paparazzi, flipping the bird and removing his jacket, before he was whisked away in a black Escalade with an unidentified friend.

Slinderhogg: The End of Hangovers.

White Plains, NY: Maltby Slinderhogg considers himself many things - volunteer crossing guard, blogger, NBA fan - but he never seriously considered himself an inventor. For three months now, Slinderhogg has been meticulously tinkering with a substance that he claims will cure the Hangover. The ingredients are a carefully hidden secret. Slinderhogg explains, "It's for if (inaudible) and then you feel good more".
The 42 year old has been experimenting in his Aunt's basement apartment, and keeps his test elixirs in snapple bottles. Each one is labeled differently, some with cryptic symbols or drawings, others with magic marker, and some filled with cigarette butts. If there is a method to Maltby's madness, he is the only one who knows about it. You may be wondering how he tests his variations. Without willing participants - his Aunt being too old, and his friend Mike who "works all the time" - Slinderhogg is his own Guinea pig. "Some nights ill drink twelve (beers) or my aunt gets me Malibu," he explains, "then ill mix oysters and vitamin water, or two different flavors of vitamin waters, and ill try it, and then ill see how I feel."

Maltby's Aunt Patrice, who is 80 years old says she is proud of her nephew, but wishes he had finished college at Pace University. "He's a good kid, I don't ask much of him, just to help with the walk when it gets icy." Aunt Patrice also expressed a dislike for her nephew's friend Mike, whom she says "..parks his car all over the street."

New York Issues Guidlines for Ticker Tape Parades

New York City, New York: The city of New York has issued new guidelines for what can and cannot be tossed from highrise windows during a ticker tape parade. These guidelines come after the city announced that the New York Giants will be paraded down Broadway on Tuesday after their Super Bowl XLII win over the New England Patriots. The city decided to outline a plan after the New York Yankees ticker tape parade in 2000, as office workers were tossing chairs, coats, coinage and other heavy objects from windows. Arrests were made during that parade after officers were pelted with McDonalds cheeseburgers and nuggets, cassette tapes, underwear, Bialies, motorcycle parts, fig newtons, earthworms and thimbles.

You can view the plan at www.nyc.gov, or by calling 311, and saying, "garbage toss" when prompted.

Special: Where'd You Get That!

Alexi Aleksander, 44, Farmingdale, NY.

"I have a great barber who gets it right every time. I started cutting my hair like this around the first time I saw Fleetwood Mac, probably around 1975."






Gourd Dixon, 21, Los Angeles, CA.

"I couldn't believe it when I found this pair of clear pants in a tree on a recent trip to San Francisco. They fit like a glove, and I haven't taken them off since!"

Teacher Sues School District Over Accidental Booting.

Pikesville, Maryland: Substitute teacher Dolly Primrod is set to file lawsuit against the Baltimore school district after the injuries and embarrassment she sustained from being kicked out of a window. The 3 foot 2 inch teacher was dressed in a football costume on Halloween day last year, when senior and captain of the Pikesville Wild Hogs football team, Cody Snow booted the woman through an open window. "I thought it was a real ball", explains Snow, now a freshman at Maryland Tech. "I saw my teammate, Brent, put his finger on top of what looked like a game ball, so I dropped my notebook, and squared up for a field goal". The punting occurred in between classes, while hallway traffic was high. Ms. Primrod sustained minor injuries, but explains that the mental anguish still lingers. "I can't sleep most nights because of this, and I was forced to leave the school. I don't blame Cody. He is a terrific kid. I don't think it was his intent to hurt me." Ms. Primrod's lawsuit hopes to change the way Baltimore's public schools handle Halloween, and hopes that school officials will make bigger strides in making students aware of the holiday, and people in costumes in general. "If there had just been some streamers, or black and orange balloons or even a paper Frankenstein somewhere...then maybe Cody would have realized that there were people in costumes abound," says Primrod. No charges were filed against the student.

Blimp-man to Ice-Man son: "You take the wheel, son."

Bartleby, Georgia: For over 30 years, Claude Nix has been steering his airship over every parade and sporting event in Georgia. He watched Hank Aaron play in Atlanta Stadium in 1974, from over 500 feet in the air. He quietly puffed over Centennial Park during the 1996 Summer Olympics. Georgians have dubbed him "The Zeppelin-King". But after 30 years of floating, the blimp man is finally coming down to Earth. "Blimping ain't easy", says Nix, who is now 60 years old,"..it took many years to learn to steer this air-bag." But when Nix finally puts his feet on the ground this Sunday after his exaugural cruise, he plans to hand the keys over to his son, who is an Ice-man.

"My wife and I found our son while holiday-ballooning in Poland 27 years ago. Kev's a great kid and has always been interested in Blimps, balloons and Air," says Nix. Kevin, the Ice-Son, now 3,820 years old explains, "..I just love what my dad does, you know, so I watched him and studied the books...I think i'm ready." Kevin Nix may be ready to fill the seat his father will soon leave, but he must first finish his FAA derrigible Licensing courses. Until then, the Nix family will have to remain grounded.

Logo courtesy Chris Martino, stomach cramps courtesy jalepeno cheesburger